Author Archives: Steve Mays

5ives

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I’ve had a 5ives tag since 2004. Merlin Mann stopped making these lists somewhere along the way but the archive is still there and his humor timeless. Like so many, he now haunts the crumbling halls of Twitter. So I’m killing the tag and sharing the three lists here.

Five things I’d like to see engraved on little rubber bracelets:

  1. Nap Strong
  2. My Other Bracelet is Fighting Colon Cancer
  3. America: Shut Thy Pie Hole
  4. Kiss Me, Im Trendy
  5. Please Watch Arrested Development

Five ass-related words

  1. metric assload (n.) – a lot
  2. asshat (n.) – willfully ignorant person
  3. assy (adj.) – unacceptably low-quality
  4. big-ass (adj.) – large
  5. asstacular (adj.) – really bad

Five more proposed pieces of legislation supported by George W. Bush

  1. Protection of Words Fewer than Three Syllables Act
  2. Bill to make the “High Five” the US’s official greeting
  3. National ‘Everybody Wears Jeans’ Day (March 14th)
  4. The “Pretty Girls Shouldn’t Act All Stuck Up” Amendment
  5. Presidential proclamation that “California Must Apologize to Jesus (and It Has to Sound Like They Really Mean It)”

Brilliant, snarky humor of Paul Rudnick

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(Wikipedia) Paul Rudnick is an American writer. His plays have been produced both on and off Broadway and around the world. He is also known for having written the screenplays for several movies, including Sister Act, Addams Family Values, Jeffrey, and In & Out.
I’ve been reading his stuff all morning and have yet to find one that wasn’t laugh-out-load funny.

Ivanka says she won’t be joining her Dad’s campaign to focus on:

  • Guarding her money in a cave
  • Learning her kids’ names
  • Teaching Jared to sound out big word
  • Telling the mirror “Good job!”
  • Shrieking at the new nanny, “No eye contact! Tiffany, we talked about this!”

Favorite scenes from TV and movies

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I’ve been collecting these for 20+ years. One of the reasons I started blogging… to have a place to collect these. I could have linked each of these directly to the post/video (see Five Easy Pieces below) but it’s better if you just browse. Or you can use the search box at the top of the page.

  • 12 Monkeys (Consumerism)
  • Alien (Breaking quarantine)
  • Andy Griffith Show (“Is this good government!”)
  • Boiler Room (Ben Affleck speech)
  • Brazil (Ministry of Information)
  • Broadcast News (Keep it to yourself)
  • Carnivale (gas station shooting)
  • Charlie Chan (Mantan Moreland and Ben Carter)
  • Dave (budget cutting)
  • Dave (Commerce Secretary)
  • Deadwood (kidney stone)
  • Dr. Strangelove
  • Five Easy Pieces (diner scene)
  • Game Change (Concession speech)
  • Glengarry Glen Ross (always be closing)
  • Good Will Hunting (why not work for the NSA)
  • Inherit the Wind (creationism vs evolution)
  • Mississippi Burning (Gene Hackman grabs deputy’s balls)
  • Mr. Smith Goes to Washington (assorted)
  • Network (Mad as hell)
  • Rainmaker (“You must be stupid!”)
  • Rambo III (Freedom speech)
  • Snowpiercer (axe battle)
  • Sorcerer (bridge scene; picking out a truck)
  • St. Vincent (Bill Murray sings Bob Dylan)
  • The Deer Hunter (fuck it)
  • The Deer Hunter (Russian roulette)
  • The Dentist (W.C.Fields)
  • The Memory Expert (W.C. Fields)
  • Time Bandits (understanding technology)
  • Shakespeare In Love (“It’s a mystery”)
  • Tarzan the Ape Man (pygmy scene)
  • The Shield (“yammy full of Georgia joy juice”)
  • Three Days of the Condor (final scene)
  • Time Bandits (understanding technology)
  • True Detective (Philosophy of Rust Cohle; Rust Cohle on religion)
  • True Romance (White Boy Day)