If I ever break down and get an iPhone, I’ll want something like Maverick Secure Mobile. If your phone is lost or stolen, the application encrypts your data, sends you a text message with the location of the phone and, best of all, plays an annoyingly loud siren to torture the thief.

“The Maverick software is hidden on a phone, so a potential thief can’t tell whether or not your phone has it. You give the company a second phone number — your spouse’s or a friend’s, for example. As soon as a thief replaces your SIM card with his own, the phone encrypts all of your remaining data, like your phone book, photos or text messages, so the thief can’t see them. It also sends that data to your second phone so that you have it.

Then you can start playing tricks on the thief. By sending text message commands, you can see all the phone calls and text messages he sends or receives and any new contacts he enters in the phone book. With a feature called Spy Call, you can call your phone and eavesdrop on the thief’s calls — without him knowing. Then, when you get really exasperated, you can make the phone play a blaring siren. Just when he is about to toss your screaming phone in the trash, you can send him a text message with your name, location and, if you want, a reward for returning the phone.”

Naw, I don’t want the phone back. I want to fuck with the thief as long as possible.

Given my love of tech toys in general and Apple stuff in particular, I find myself frequently explaining why I don’t have an iPhone (or plans to own one). Put aside the fact that I might make or receive 5 mobile calls in a week… it’s really a matter of time.

The time it would take me to get up and running is manageable. But I know I would be tweaking and “playing” with the phone until Steve Jobs is called back to that Garage in the Sky. It would be all-consuming.

For someone with very few real-world responsibilities (kids, chores, community service, etc), my days are full. Work, reading, exercise, dogs and, yes, blogging. Oh yeah… and Barb. She doesn’t get her share of my time.

The iPhone would be one more digital child I don’t have time to raise, care for and play with.