I found these on Mastodon, a microblogging site I’ve been haunting. The author goes by the handle Sensual Jewish Wizard.
The Dingus: he’s a dingus. Somehow keeps getting work despite being a nitwit. He carries a clipboard, tucks in his t-shirt, has two cell phones attached to quick-release holsters on his belt. Once broke a VGA connector trying to jam it in to a serial port. He added the “Everyone” group to the “Domain Admins” group in Active Directory because he couldn’t figure out how to properly re-permission a shared folder. Names his servers after Star Trek characters and always thinks he’s being hacked.
The Fan: he’s a fan of Firefly. His wife is a fan of Firefly. Has he told you how much he and his wife love Firefly? They LOVE it! He loves Ready Player One and buys stuff from ThinkGeek every week. His Captain America tee is worn out, his Doctor Who TARDIS coffee mug is fading, his Mini Cooper needs new tires. He says “Bazinga!” without a trace of irony and with far too much enthusiasm. He will work a ticket until it is solved but it might mean waiting five hours for him to install a printer.
New Career Cameron: his 22 year old cousin in IT is making double what he is so he switches careers. A “degree” from a night school, a couple of certs, a Milspec Bro attitude with 1/50th the knowledge. Has actually worked outside of IT and knows how to talk to Human People. Is literally fascinated and terrified by any kind of technology that they’ve never heard of (which is almost everything). Innocent, nice, soul still intact and not yet crushed by corporate IT support hell.
The Hecker: laughs at your definition of gender. Dyed hair, an old laptop, a jacket with patches all over it. Roots their Android without a problem and makes the l33t jealous. Loves Linux, advocates for it, helps maintain a custom distro, dualboots into Windows to play games on Steam. Still wears a faded DefCon tee their friend got for them at the 1997 convention.
The Manager From Wisconsin: the whitest creature in existence. Blissfully unaware. Knows a bit about everything but not enough to be good at anything. Calls himself a programmer because he set up his own LAMP box. Works on personal projects at work thinking that no one will notice. Did he tell you that he’s from Wisconsin? He’ll tell you eventually because it’s the only thing interesting about him.
The Support Stoner: always stoned. If not stoned, always looking to get stoned. Always talks about what he was doing while he was stoned. Begs you to let him blaze it up in your car as you’re coming back from lunch. Relegated to service support like remote backups, patch/update deployment and anything where he isn’t communicating with a user or a customer.
The “Not In IT” Engineer: suddenly part of IT because he “knows electronics” and managed to help someone reset their password once. Doesn’t dare reboot any of the (physical) servers because they might never come back. Took home a few of those Dell PowerEdge 2950s that were gonna be tossed because he’ll “figure out what to do with ’em.” A big well-maintained mustache, a pot belly covered by a stripey button-down, a secret leather fetish. Hands more wrinkly than rhino skin and a smoker’s cough.
The Woman: a woman in IT. People say they don’t exist but people tend to be assholes. Has a ton of certs like Milspec Bro but doesn’t brag about it. Talking to a customer on the phone: “Hah yeah I know I’m a woman and I like computers, crazy right?” (she rolls her eyes so hard they fall out) Almost always has to unfuck whatever l33t or Elder God has fucked up. Usually a “little bit country”. Possibly married to a Milspec Bro but knows more than him.
Loud Larry: loud. LOUD. Can be heard through closed doors. Doesn’t know shit but is somehow a customer favorite. Probably better off in sales but he’s too much of a lummox. Secretly has a terrifying temper. Breaks his phone’s headset every other week, has a keyboard so filthy it’s considered a superfund site, is the only one who knows how to administer that one esoteric database used for that one specific thing by HR. Put him in a room with The Brain and a murder will occur.
The One Nice IT Guy: a myth. Doesn’t exist. A shadowy temporary form flitting from l33t 5uPP0rt to Milspec Bro to The Brain to The Elder God. If seen, it quits just as it becomes popular with the office, vanishing forever (and usually replaced by a Milspec Bro).
The Christina: she’s not in IT but she has to work with them. Terms like “gigabyte” and “certificate” and “form-factor” scare her but she’s learning. Cries a lot because her cubemate is The Brain. Very good at what she does but overshadowed by her male peers. Cusses like a sailor and doesn’t give a shit who hears it.
The Elder God: been in IT 30 years but still somehow doesn’t know how to type properly. A beard, but unironic. Hates technology, doesn’t trust WiFi, still uses a Hotmail account, drinks coffee from a mug he hasn’t cleaned since he was the Novell Netware 5 admin at that big government contractor across town. Has seven figures in his bank account but won’t pay more than a fiver for lunch. More than likely he’ll be the IT guy who dies and everyone mourns because he was just there for so long.
Six Month Steve: he’ll last six months at best. Knows just enough to get in to trouble and bail when he has to escalate for the fifth time in two days. Listens to reggaeton and takes the early shifts so he can play Eve Online when no one is around. “I don’t do direct deposits; can I get my paychecks live instead?” Contributes apathy and nothing else. Never remembers anyone’s names because he’ll be there for six months, tops.
The Brain: terrifyingly smart, quiet as hell, always judging everyone. Dressed like Milspec Bro but a little more loosely because his wife probably chose his outfit for him. Gets all the juicy projects but won’t dole out any info to anyone below him. Hates level 1s and 2s with a fury and calls them idiots on conference calls. Usually has a loud Model M keyboard that can be heard the next building over. Crafts convoluted infrastructure naming schemes because it gives him pleasure.
l33t 5uPP0rt: nu-metal tee, faded jeans, possibly a trilby or a pork pie hat. Always says “Micro$oft”. Loves Linux but doesn’t know how to use it. Roots his Android and immediately fucks it up but laughs and says “lol Apple slaves” before going for his seventh smoke break of the day. Always has a nickname because there are so many people with his name in the office. Always level 1 or 2 tech support and always has to escalate because they “don’t know Exchange”.
Milspec Bro: tucked-in polo, pressed slacks, New Balance shoes. Has every possible cert but is always studying for another one. Crew cut, Oakleys, a rocky marriage and light beer. No sense of humor, doesn’t actually enjoy anything at all. Almost always named “Greg”.