smays.com

"Virgin No. 9: It was a garlic-and-onion pizza. Why?"

The Pope has been talking about the sex abuse scandal. The Saints down in Texas like their lovin' too. And like Lee, a blogger from down under, I've wondered about the 72 virgins promised (or so I'm told) to Islamic martyrs.

"Are they people, real people? I mean with thoughts and feelings of their own? If yes, then how can it be justified that they are given to someone else as slaves, and sex slaves to boot? And are they 'one shot wonders', discarded once their virginity is no more? If they are not real people, what are they? Zombies? Inflatable dolls?"

The post includes Steve Martin's amusing take on this heavenly reward. Lee calls his blog Hen Buddism and Other Religions.

Time to send in the Branch Dividians

Last week I stumbled across an interesting (and lengthy) 2006 Rolling Stone article by Janet Reitman ("Inside Scientology") that takes a peek behind the curtain of "America's most mysterious religion."

I'm not sure how someone could read this and not be convinced L. Ron Hubbard (the guy that came up with Scientology) was a wacko con man. Try to imagine convincing a new convert of the following:

"...75 million years ago, an evil galactic warlord named Xenu controlled seventy-six planets in this corner of the galaxy, each of which was severely overpopulated. To solve this problem, Xenu rounded up 13.5 trillion beings and then flew them to Earth, where they were dumped into volcanoes around the globe and vaporized with bombs. This scattered their radioactive souls, or thetans, until they were caught in electronic traps set up around the atmosphere and "implanted" with a number of false ideas -- including the concepts of God, Christ and organized religion. Scientologists later learn that many of these entities attached themselves to human beings, where they remain to this day, creating not just the root of all of our emotional and physical problems but the root of all problems of the modern world."

Let me say once again, this sounds like a load of horse shit. But why am I more skeptical of these "teachings" than the miracles of the Christian faith? The Bible is the literal Word of God and Dianetics is science fiction? That works for a lot of people.

Not sure where this post came from, maybe all the killing and dying in the name of religion.

Speaking of Holy Wars, maybe we should send the members of our most fanatical faiths (Scientologists, The Jonestown Brigade, The 101st Branch Davidians, etc) to mix it up with the extremists of other religions. If the other team is playing 12 year old suicide bombers... we send in some grandmothers willing to drink poison Cool-Aide. Let's out-crazy them.

I am not a team player

I think I cooperate and collaborate well, but I'm not good at being on The Team. Coaches and Team Leaders tell us, "Come on! We can accomplish so much more if we work together as a Team. We gotta pull together!" Once a Team is formed, one of the first orders of business is to choose a "team captain" who tells the rest of the Team what to do. They tend to have the greatest appreciation for the need for "teamwork." This is exactly the kind of thinking that makes me a poor team player.

But I love to play the game. Hated Little League...loved playing Indian Ball in the field in front of our house. Hated varsity basketball...loved pick-up games at the park. We had teams but they were temporary. We'd play a couple of games and then switch up sides. If the game was too one-sided, we'd adjust the teams to get a closer game. It was about having a good game, see? Not which team won.

Religion has teams (Baptists, Methodists, Catholics, Episcopalians, Lutherans, etc.) and leagues (Christians; Jews; Muslims; etc.). If you are "on" a team, it's okay to hate --and sometimes kill-- members of the other team. Usually God (yours, not theirs) says it's okay to do this. Sometimes you even have to die for your team.

There are only two teams in the game of politics: Republicans and Democrats. If you want to play, you have to be on one of those teams. Recently, politics has gotten all mixed up with religion. The star player for the Republican team is a dim-witted good old boy with a rich daddy, but very religious. If you believe the polls, almost nobody --including the folks on his own team-- thinks this guy is doing a good job. If the other team (in this case, the Democrats) wasn't waiting in the dugout to say "we told you so," most people on the Republican team would send W and his pals back to Texas where he couldn't do much harm.

The United States Congress is hopelessly fucked up and it's all because of the teams. Is there even anything in our constitution about Republicans and Democrats? I don't think so. So here's what I'd do. At the beginning of every session of congress, we divide up into two groups, by random drawing. Instead of parties or teams, we'll call one group the Chipmunks and the other the Ground Squirrels (so they won't take themselves so seriously). If you get reelected and come back next year, you might be in the other group so there's no point in fucking them over this year. Since we're reshuffling the deck every year and you don't have any permanent "team members," it becomes more about the game than the teams.

All of which explains why I was always chosen last.

Pitch my tents

I would say this is one of those bogus Internet things that make the rounds but my buddy Bob says his brother-in-law knows the minister featured in this recording.