smays.com

Far from the Eastern Front

A  rag-tag group calling themselves the National Socialist Movement were in town last weekend. Missourinet reporter Steve Walsh covered the brief march and rally on the steps of the State Capitol. This is my favorite photo from those he snapped.

Are the two young girls at the lectern singing? Perhaps America the Beautiful? Or some German beer hall song? Could they be making a speech? ("What the Neo-Nazi movement means to my junior high class")

How fucked up will the little boy (seated) be as he gets older. Mom thinks she's doing him a favor, teaching him to hate.

Some are holding their hands over their hearts, others giving the old Heil Hitler stiff arm. But, shit, there was no time to rehearse and it was cold and... fuck it, we'll just look tough in our SWAT gear.

Sarah Palin: Post Turtle

An old rancher is talking about politics with a young man from the city. He compares a politician to a "post turtle". The young man doesn't understand and asks him what a post turtle is.

"Like watching Gidget address the Reichstag"

[Alert: McCainiacs and Palinistas can skip this post. You won't appreciate Matt Taibbi's biting wit or pithy rage. Go watch a Sean Hannity re-run. And I've had some email reminding me I had said I wasn't going to write about politics anymore. I believe what I said was, I would no longer 'discuss' politics.]

My favorite political writer, Matt Taibbi has outdone himself with his column  on Sarah Palin. When interstellar archeologists dig through the rubble of what was once the U.S.A. and wonder what the fuck happened, I hope they stumble across Mr. Taibbi's column. Every line is a gem but I'll share just a few of my favorites:

"Four-chinned delegates from places like Arkansas and Georgia are pouring joyously out the gates (of the GOP convention) in search of bars where they can load up on Zombies and Scorpion Bowls and other "wild" drinks and extramaritally grope their turkey-necked female companions in bathroom stalls as part of the "unbelievable time" they will inevitably report to their pals back home.

Only 21st-century Americans can pass through a metal detector six times in an hour and still think they're at a party.

Here's the thing about Americans. You can send their kids off by the thousands to get their balls blown off in foreign lands for no reason at all, saddle them with billions in debt year after congressional year while they spend their winters cheerfully watching game shows and football, pull the rug out from under their mortgages, and leave them living off their credit cards and their Wal-Mart salaries while you move their jobs to China and Bangalore.

But Americans like politicians who hate books and see the face of Jesus in every tree stump. They like them stupid and mean and ignorant of the rules."

And we love Sarah.

Moosehunting with Aden Nak

Aden Nak doesn't understand why it's taboo to say someone is too dumb to be president. He somehow managed to get his hands on the flow chart used to prep Governor Palin for last night's debate.

"The truth is that Palin didn’t answer any questions she didn’t want to tonight, and she said she’d do exactly that at the start of the debate. She had a hand full of index cards and a brain full of buzz words, and it was her job to say them all in front of the camera. Actually, it was her job to say them while looking at Joe Biden for five seconds, then looking at the camera for five seconds, and then looking back at Biden to start over again. It was like she was on a timer. One of the many things she’d probably been coached on after the whole flap about McCain not looking Obama in the eyes." Mr. Nak's full post.

Not as funny as the real interview

Open the Oval Office door, HAL

A wonderfully simple spoof spot that was easy to produce. Lay the HAL voice over some keyboard sfx... stick in exploding nuke video at the end. Voila!

Controlling the flow of information

From Ars Technica article:  "A political spat erupted in Washington, D.C., earlier this month over rules governing how members of Congress may use the Internet. House Republicans argued that proposed changes to the rules amounted to "new government censorship of the Internet," while Democrats said the charges were exaggerated. Whichever side is right or wrong, the fact remains that current rules governing official communications prohibit members of Congress from using video-sharing or social networking sites like YouTube, Flickr, or Facebook. As a result, many House members, including Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-CA), are currently in violation of the rules.

Rep. John Culberson (R-TX), a pioneer in using new media to communicate with constituents, sounded the alarm over the new rules via Twitter. Culberson has made a name for himself twittering from the House floor, broadcasting live video from the White House using Qik, and hosting regular "town hall" meetings using live video-streaming and chat on Ustream.

In a later statement, Culberson argued that new media should not be treated any differently than old. "When I am interviewed for a newspaper article or a television story, or have a conversation on a radio show, my interview/conversation is going to appear in the same publication/broadcast as a campaign or commercial ad," he said.

Is there any greater power than being able to control information? The first order of business when staging a coup d'etat is take over the newspapers, radio and TV stations. Well, first you kill the president... then you take control of the media.

It bums me that the Dems seem to be the sand in the gears on this one but it doesn't surprise me. And that stuff about "we don't want commercials next to videos from Congress" is pure horseshit.

the Onion: "Local Idiot To Post Comment On Internet"

"After clicking the 'submit' button, I will immediately refresh the page so that I can view my own comment. I will then notice that my comment has not appeared because the server has not yet processed my request, become angry and confused, and re-post the same comment with unintentional variations on the original wording and misspellings, creating two slightly different yet equally moronic comments," he said. "It is my hope that this will illustrate both my childlike level of impatience and my inability to replicate a simple string of letters and symbols 30 seconds after having composed it."

You know who you are.

For W's Memory Book

Bush Tours America To Survey Damage Caused By His Disastrous Presidency

Bush booed at 2008 Nationals home opener

The announcers were too polite to mention the boos. By November he won't be able to leave the White House. We're gonna need more Secret Service.

But wouldn't that mean I'm too stupid to drive?

Tonight's mail included a "letter" addressed to Perry S. Mays (Nobody uses my full name). There was no return address. Inside was what appeared to be a newspaper clipping tagged with a yellow Post-It note which read: "Perry: Check this out! (signed) J"

Of course the newspaper "story" is bullshit, although there is nothing in the copy that would clue the clueless on this point.

I wish I could give the dealer --Reagan Hyundai in Jefferson City-- the benefit of the doubt. They weren't trying to snooker their way into unsuspecting homes... it was just a little joke. April Fools Day a week or so early. Gotcha!

Maybe.

But if this shit works, it means there's some kind of creepy reverse Darwinism at work. In time, only the mentally impaired will be lured onto the lot.

Everything about this is designed to trick someone into reading about about your sale. To fool them. One would almost think the public doesn't want to hear from you. But why would that be?

Too late for web training

Mindy McAdams (Teaching Online Journalism) points to a very interesting post by Paul Conley. Mr. Conley has held senior positions at Knight-Ridder, CNN, Primedia/Prism and Bloomberg. He serves on the professional advisory boards of College Media Advisers, the national group that works with student journalists, and Northwest Missouri State University’s Mass Communications program. His clients include Primedia/Prism, Reed Business, About.com and IDG.

"I'm urging employers not to offer any training in Web journalism. There are two reasons for this. Here they are:

1. You cannot train someone to be part of a culture.
For someone to work on the Web, they must be part of the Web. That, after all, is what the Web means. The Web is a web. It exists as a series of connections. An online journalist isn't a journalist who works online. He's a journalist who lives online. He's part of the Web.

It's a waste of time and money to teach multimedia skills and technology to someone who hasn't already become part of the Web. And there's no need to teach skills and technology to the journalists who are already part of Web culture, because the culture requires participation in skills and technology.
Or, to put it another way -- I cannot teach the Web. No one can. Yet all of us who are part of the Web are learning the Web.

2. When the fighting begins, the training must end.
We cannot move backward to round up the stragglers and train them to fight. It's too late to try to convince print journalists that the Web has value. It's too late to tell them that an Internet connection is worth a few dollars a month. As revenue shrinks, we can't spend money on training. We can't gather up the print folks and "prepare them as online journalists."

You can't prepare people to dig a fighting (fox?) hole. You just tell them to dig. And the ones who don't dig fast enough, deep enough or well enough, die."

Wow. I confess that I agree with Conley but would never say it around my reporter friends. What good can come of telling them it's too late. The train left the station and they can't run fast enough to catch it. Ms. McAdams isn't sure she agrees, so read her post, too.

Underage drinkers escape into blizzard

"A big underage drinking party bust on New Year's Eve in northern Iowa led to a search for dozens of teenagers who fled outside into a blizzard. Kossuth County Sheriff's deputies say they were called around 11:15 Monday night to a home in Wesley. Officials say the party was at the Mike and Dawn Reimers' home. Several people ran outside when authorities arrived.

Deputies say some of those people stayed outside for up to two hours. Deputies called in rescue personnel, including three snowmobilers, to help with the search. Authorities think between 60 and 80 underage drinkers were at the party. So far, no charges have been filed in the case." [RadioIowa.com]

Ah, youth. Reminds me of "No Arrests Made at Private Party Probe"

Illegal to rip songs from CD's to computer. Yeah, right.

"Now, in an unusual case in which an Arizona recipient of an RIAA letter has fought back in court rather than write a check to avoid hefty legal fees, the industry is taking its argument against music sharing one step further: In legal documents in its federal case against Jeffrey Howell, a Scottsdale, Ariz., man who kept a collection of about 2,000 music recordings on his personal computer, the industry maintains that it is illegal for someone who has legally purchased a CD to transfer that music into his computer." [Washington Post]

PROFANITY ALERT: Let me see if I have this right. I buy the CD. I copy the songs to my laptop or iPod so I can listen to them. I don't share them with anyone. And that's illegal. As they say on Keith and the Girl, "Fuuuuuuccckkkk you!" Steve Martin used to say, "Excuuuusseee me!"

Update: Turns out this story was wrong. Never mind.

Childrens do learn

Email Dumb Storm

Earlier this month I ranted about the mindless, clueless use of the REPLY ALL button. We're currently experiencing one of these Dumb Storms. The following exchange has been shared with 80+ people in our office. (Yes, I do understand that some of the recipients find this witty exchange delightful.) I'm posting in reverse order to make this (on-going) thread easier to read.

This is the work email equivalent of Open Mic Night at the Comedy Club. And you're chained to your chair.

"Word has already been passed back to Learfield from I-70 that the troopers are out in full force, so be careful and watch out"

"Watch out now… my son is a trooper

"We love your son, but would like to interact with him in a more informal manner."

"I really think it would be a great idea if police officers were put to work protecting people from murder, rape, and other vicious attacks … instead of being used by the state, counties, cities, and towns as men and women in uniform who main duty is to generate revenue. I’d wager they would probably prefer to be fighting crime than ticketing someone who has the audacity to drive at 65 MPH in a 60 MPH zone on I-70 in St. Louis County. How dare anyone drive at such an “unreasonable” speed on what is, at that point in the highway, an 8-late thoroughfare!"

"Thank your son for performing his duty. Many people have died at the hands of wreckless drivers who thought they were doing nothing wrong until it was too late."

"I second that!!"

"Me thinks (name) is a bit cranky."

"Maybe he got a ticket on the way to work???

"Well if he did, at least it wasn’t me this time!!

Riding the Email Short Bus (NRN)

Email from Bill to Mary and 5 others on their project team:

"The meeting has been moved back to 10 a.m. on Friday"

Mary replies, "I'll bring donuts," and --of course- hits the REPLY ALL button.

Team member Mike cleverly chimes in (with REPLY ALL): "Make my chocolate!"

To which team member Betty responds, "I'm on a diet." Again, REPLY ALL.

Team member smays (screaming at the top of his lungs!) REPLY ALL:

"I don't have time to be part of your witty banter. My in-box if filled to overflowing. Chat amongst yourselves if you have the time (and it appears you do), but don't include me with your clueless REPLY ALL to every dumb-ass email that comes your way. I'm sorry, I just don't care. And --believe it or not-- the only people that do, are the other morons keeping this inane ping-pong match going."

And while I'm on the subject, you don't need to thank me every time I send you an email. I know you are grateful. I won't think less of you if I don't get a "Thanks!" reply to... every... email... I send. In fact, my opinion of you will jump up a few notches.

Let's try this. If you see "NTN" (No Thanks Necessary) or "NRN" (No Reply Necessary) in the subject line of the email I send to you... you don't have to thank me or reply. You just saved us both a few precious seconds.

I would open the comments on this post but I know many of you would not be able to resist saying, "Thanks!"

No pictures! No pictures!

My favorite Hy-Vee Supermarket reopened today after a year-long renovation and expansion. I stopped by to get some lunch from the deli (where I get 90% of my hot meals) and took a photo. I would have taken more but one of the corporate neckties came running over to tell me I couldn't take photos. You can see half of him in this picture.

"It's okay," I told him, "I'm a regular. My wife's out of town on business and couldn't be here so I'm gonna send her a photo."

"There will be 'approved photos' in the local newpaper. I have no way of knowing what you're going to do with any pictures."

I'm sure that...let's call him "Phil"...Phil has every legal right to tell me I can't take a photo in his new store. Underlying his panic at the sight of my little Casio, however, is his lack of trust in a customer. He assumed I'd do something nefarious, like race down to Gerbe's (a competing store)...

smays: (Pant, gasp) "I' got 'em! I got 'em! Photos of the new deli at Hy-Vee!"
Gerbe's Store Manger: "Quick, let's see 'em. We've got to plan our strategy!"

As I was checking out, one of the local Hy-Vee guys came over to ask what was going on and I explained.

"What?! (exasperated sound) He'll be gone tomorrow. You can come back and take as many photos as you like."

Trust.

So, "Phil," this post is for you. I'm thrilled to have a bigger, newer, better Hy-Vee and plan to spend even more time and money in your great store. Give my best to the guys in marketing and public relations.

Go away! We're busy!

If you email the Missouri State High School Activities Association, you are likely to get an automated response that includes the following:

"The MSHSAA staff will respond first to more traditional means of communication such as telephone calls, written correspondence and faxes. The MSHSAA office can be reached at (573) 875-4880 during regular office hours. As time permits, staff will reply to email messages that include the sender's complete name, address and phone number."

I don't even know what to say about this. It speaks volumes about how the organization views its relationship with the public it serves (?). I am inspired to create a new category here at smays.com: Clueless and Proud. Say it loud!

Made you look!

One assumes the folks at BE (Broadcast Electronics) paid extra to sneak their ad in with the the latest news stories at Radio Ink. Yes, they gave it a dateline of "Advertisement," but the obvious intent was to trick the reader into clicking on the "story."

This would be like having one of our news anchors slide right into a commercial that was written and presented as though it were the next story in hopes the listener would hear it before figuring out it was a commercial.

I like Radio Ink. I like BE. I've purchased lots from them throughout the years. But this little scam leaves me with a negative feeling about both.

We'll send out a press release when it's over

The Hardest Working Blogger in Show Business, Chuck Zimmerman, is in Berlin, covering the annual meeting of the International Federation of Agricultural Journalists. IFAJ is "a non-political, professional association for agricultural journalists in 29 countries." As far as I can determine (and Chuck is aware), he is the only person blogging this event.

You gotta figure that at least some of the attendees have laptops and digital cameras with them. Not one blogger in the bunch? Maybe there's coverage of the event at the official IFAJ website...nope.

Old Media types can't understand why I'm even asking? Bloggers can't imagine attending something like this and not putting up a couple of posts.