I’m not clear what Lance Armstrong hoped to accomplish with his highly publicized interview with Oprah. I watched only a few minutes and — based on lots of news items — gather it wasn’t well received.

I’m not a sports fan so when Mark McGwire, Roger Clemons, Tiger Woods or Lance Armstrong get caught lying/doping/gambling/etc, I’m not shocked or disappointed.

But Armstrong’s high-profile apology get me thinking about what I might have said and how I might have said it. Obviously one can’t really know this until they’re in such a situation, but just for fun…

Oprah, before you ask your first question, let me set the record straight on some things.

I’m a liar. I’ve lied about doping from the beginning and there’s no reason for anyone to believe anything I say today.

I used my power and money and influence to attack and destroy those who told the truth about what I was doing. I’m going to try to apologize to each of these people personally. I don’t expect forgivness, it just seems like something I should do. Many of them proably won’t want to see my face and I can’t say that I blame them.

While I can’t undo all the harm I’ve done, there are some things I need to do to try to make amends.

I’ve made a lot of money from product endorsements and other ventures and I’m giving every penny to those I’ve harmed. I’ve asked (insert name of someone with some integrity) to oversee this process which I want to be completed within 90 days. He will make the determination of how to distribut my assets, including my homes, cars, everything. I’m keeping nothing.

As for my future, I will never compete professionally again. I wil do no endorsements (in the unlikely event someone should ask). I’m going to get a regular job to support my family and try to live as anonymously as possible for the rest of my life.

My actions did imeasurable harm to the sport I loved. Cycling should never have been about fame and glory and money. If there is any positive legacy for me, maybe it’s to remind people of that.

What’s your first question, Oprah?