Longing for Luke and Leia

Barb and I have agreed on almost every movie we’ve seen together during the past 30 years. So, when she refused to go with me to see Episode II: Attack of the Clones, it should have been a warning. Like when Trigger refused the drink the water, Roy knew it was poison. So I went with Scott who has never warned me about anything.

The latest Star Wars installment was Dawson’s Creek with really good special effects. It was sad on so many levels. I’m guessing George Lucas wrote the dialogue scenes using the little refrigerator magnets with words on them. And did he really expect us to believe that whining little pussie grew up to be Darth Vader?

And what the hell was Jimmy Smits doing? You could almost see the thought bubble over his head ( “I can’t believe I left NYPD Blue for this”).

Natalie Portman won’t be in the final episode because by then her ass will be too wide to fit through the hatch of a star ship. Whatever charm she had (and it was plenty), she left on the sets of The Professional and Beautiful Girls.

There were so many embarrassing moments. The death scene of Anakin Skywalker’s mother? You have to go back to A Perfect World in which Kevin Costner’s death scene was so long I was able to go get popcorn and get back before he croaked.

I loved the first two Star Wars movies. Hell, I even made it through the third one. But please Mr. Lucus, no more. Skip the final episode and re-release the first film. Half the audience will be too young to know and the rest of us will be too grateful to say anything.

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